This is the response I seem to get when I inquire about any sort of discrimination or lack of equality among males and females here. This topic is something that's bothered me the whole time I've been here and I feel it's important that I bring it to attention. I think it's important to be made aware of such issues, even those of you in America, where, I once took for granted my ability to be independent as a woman. But that's the thing, I don't think I should have to be grateful for being independent and being able to live without society telling me what role I need to fill. I think it should be natural, something that just is. There's still some work to do in America, but here I almost feel suffocated by the cultural norms that seem to control everyone's lives. Part of the issue is I am residing in an area that is more conservative than the rest of India, which means traditional man/woman roles are followed, and definitely not questioned. I've been able to talk to a few people now, one of which was kind enough hold a discussion and answer my questions. The other two, well, couldn't really grasp what I was talking about.
One person I talked to was a BSW student here. She's probably only about 20, and may not have all the critical thinking skills I was hoping for. As I'm talking to this student, it's as if she doesn't know the word 'unfair.' I ask her how she feels about her curfew. "What do you mean?" she said. "Well, do you think it's unfair that you have be in at 7 and the boys don't have to be until 10?" She looked at me with a very puzzled stare. "No, no. This is how it's always been." I decided not to push, it was obvious I wasn't going to be able to discuss this in a legitimate manner with her.
Another day, my supervisor asked me and another student about discrimination in America. I was surprised, and tried to deliver a genuine answer that was something like, "It's technically illegal, but happens anyway, particularly in certain parts of the country." So, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to discuss how she felt about discrimination here. So I ask, "What about the discrimination in Kerala? Do you find there is a lot?" Her answer...."Oh no, there isn't any in Kerala. There is a lot in other states though." The first thing that came to my head is 'you've got to be kidding me!' Our conversation was mainly regarding discrimination with race, but even so, there is still discrimination here with different castes, and couldn't believe she told me she didn't think there was any here. I wanted to ask her "WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?!!" But decided if she couldn't see it, then there was no point in getting into it.
At this point, I'm feeling very disgruntled about the whole topic. It just doesn't process in my mind how people don't see that women have very few choices about how they will live their life. They are told who to marry, how to act, what to wear, who to pray to. Of course, legally, women are free to do what they please, but no woman dares to go outside of the cultural norms put in front of them, or else their reputation would suffer, and thus, doomed to not be accepted by others. On the other hand, stepping outside cultural norms doesn't process to them either. They can't comprehend wearing a bikini to the beach, drinking alcohol, wearing shorts, having short hair, having a boyfriend....all of it just doesn't compute, just as my brain doesn't compute not being able to choose to be able to do these things. So it's almost as if some them have no idea that they are being controlled by society, they are happily unaware.
I had a recent discussion with a classmate who I've hung out with from time to time. I felt pretty comfortable telling him my misgivings about the subject. All my questions about curfew, marriage, dating, discrimination etc were pretty much answered with, "It's a cultural thing." He himself disagrees with some of the practices, for instance, having a dowry and even arranged marriages and plans to not follow those practices himself. But that's only one person I've met that will admit to such things. He acknowledges that the culture trumps independent thinking. It's a way of life, that's how it is. "BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT" I tell him. I have a hard time believing that people are ok with spending the rest of their life with someone they've known for 15 minutes....literally. This is what happens in an arranged marriage, the parents pick a mate and the children get to spend a few minutes with the other to decide if they agree with the arrangement. I doubt few object.
My classmate also reveals that most Indians have a very specific view of American marriage, that it's tainted and lacks any sort of effort in commitment. "Yes, we have a very high divorce rate,' I tell him, 'but if divorce was culturally accepted here, I bet a lot more couples would divorce in India." Basically, if you are a divorced woman here, you can never get married again. Of course, it's easier for a divorced man to get married, but no one wants a divorced women here, so women choose to stay in unhappy marriages, even marriages where the husband abuses her. What is the alternative? There's no reward for being an independent single women here...it's social suicide. Just like going out after 7, wearing certain clothing, drinking alcohol, remaining single are all acts of social suicide. It's not 'illegal' but if you do these things there will be social consequences.
One person I talked to was a BSW student here. She's probably only about 20, and may not have all the critical thinking skills I was hoping for. As I'm talking to this student, it's as if she doesn't know the word 'unfair.' I ask her how she feels about her curfew. "What do you mean?" she said. "Well, do you think it's unfair that you have be in at 7 and the boys don't have to be until 10?" She looked at me with a very puzzled stare. "No, no. This is how it's always been." I decided not to push, it was obvious I wasn't going to be able to discuss this in a legitimate manner with her.
Another day, my supervisor asked me and another student about discrimination in America. I was surprised, and tried to deliver a genuine answer that was something like, "It's technically illegal, but happens anyway, particularly in certain parts of the country." So, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to discuss how she felt about discrimination here. So I ask, "What about the discrimination in Kerala? Do you find there is a lot?" Her answer...."Oh no, there isn't any in Kerala. There is a lot in other states though." The first thing that came to my head is 'you've got to be kidding me!' Our conversation was mainly regarding discrimination with race, but even so, there is still discrimination here with different castes, and couldn't believe she told me she didn't think there was any here. I wanted to ask her "WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?!!" But decided if she couldn't see it, then there was no point in getting into it.
At this point, I'm feeling very disgruntled about the whole topic. It just doesn't process in my mind how people don't see that women have very few choices about how they will live their life. They are told who to marry, how to act, what to wear, who to pray to. Of course, legally, women are free to do what they please, but no woman dares to go outside of the cultural norms put in front of them, or else their reputation would suffer, and thus, doomed to not be accepted by others. On the other hand, stepping outside cultural norms doesn't process to them either. They can't comprehend wearing a bikini to the beach, drinking alcohol, wearing shorts, having short hair, having a boyfriend....all of it just doesn't compute, just as my brain doesn't compute not being able to choose to be able to do these things. So it's almost as if some them have no idea that they are being controlled by society, they are happily unaware.
I had a recent discussion with a classmate who I've hung out with from time to time. I felt pretty comfortable telling him my misgivings about the subject. All my questions about curfew, marriage, dating, discrimination etc were pretty much answered with, "It's a cultural thing." He himself disagrees with some of the practices, for instance, having a dowry and even arranged marriages and plans to not follow those practices himself. But that's only one person I've met that will admit to such things. He acknowledges that the culture trumps independent thinking. It's a way of life, that's how it is. "BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT" I tell him. I have a hard time believing that people are ok with spending the rest of their life with someone they've known for 15 minutes....literally. This is what happens in an arranged marriage, the parents pick a mate and the children get to spend a few minutes with the other to decide if they agree with the arrangement. I doubt few object.
My classmate also reveals that most Indians have a very specific view of American marriage, that it's tainted and lacks any sort of effort in commitment. "Yes, we have a very high divorce rate,' I tell him, 'but if divorce was culturally accepted here, I bet a lot more couples would divorce in India." Basically, if you are a divorced woman here, you can never get married again. Of course, it's easier for a divorced man to get married, but no one wants a divorced women here, so women choose to stay in unhappy marriages, even marriages where the husband abuses her. What is the alternative? There's no reward for being an independent single women here...it's social suicide. Just like going out after 7, wearing certain clothing, drinking alcohol, remaining single are all acts of social suicide. It's not 'illegal' but if you do these things there will be social consequences.
This is something that I may not be able to fully understand. Only if I were in their shoes. I don't blame women for following their cultural norms, I'm sure I would be the same way. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't question it. Discussion is the beginning of change. I can only hope that by relaying my thoughts, it will propel others to start thinking about their situations. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to change a culture because I feel mine is better, but I do feel there is something wrong with basically outlawing any other culture or way of life to exist alongside with another culture. That is the beauty of choice. I only want people to feel they aren't forced to live a life just because they are told to do so. As unrealistic as that outcome may be here, you have to start somewhere right?
The "It's a cultural thing" response is interesting to me. I would want to dig deeper and ask about that more. I think I would start with change in general. There are obviously cultural changes (technology as an obvious one) that are embraced, but this seems to be one not even questioned. I feel myself becoming like Olivia with a conversation with a whole bunch of 'Why' questions. "Why is it OK to have different standards (like curfew, divorce, widowing, access to education) for a man than a woman? Why do men have rights that women don't? It would seem the rules should apply to individual rights not gender. Perhaps some 70's feminist books or articles would help provide content for a discussion. Good luck with your discussions!
ReplyDeleteWell, I can actually answer some of those questions for you. I've been having some more good talks with my Indian classmate and I asked a lot of the same things. As far as the curfew goes, it's sort of set-up in the framework of a safety issue, where women are sort of afraid to go out in the dark for fear of something bad happening to them, such as getting raped. And, of course that should be a concern, because it does happen here, (as it does everywhere else) but here women just avoid the situation all together. They are 'allowed' by law to go out past dark, they just don't. No 'respectable' woman does. Also, a lot of the issue involves the strong influence of religion. Religious faith here seems to be based on a patriarchal system of values. So, their religious belief, whether it is Christian, Hindu or Muslim, tells women that they are supposed to be obedient to their husbands and are supposed to maintain good morals. Here, good morals means not going out late, not drinking, not wearing revealing clothing, not getting divorced etc. Thus, religion and culture are practically inseparable and dictates people's behavior, regardless of the legality of certain behaviors. I will also honestly express my personal explanation on the issue of the difficulty for a woman to remarry after a divorce. For me, it doesn't make sense that a woman would be the only one responsible for a divorce. It takes two to divorce! But I personally think that it is because men here are able to make it that way. No one wants 'used goods' here and as long as men can choose to marry a virgin they will, despite the age of the man. This also applies to women who are seen as 'sexually immoral.' So, if women act in any way outside of the what a proper woman would do here, they are significantly affecting their prospects for a future husband, and as I said earlier, no woman wants to be single here. May sound a bit harsh, but as far as I can observe, there is no other explanations for such unequal treatment.
DeleteBtw, I feel your frustration. It really gets me going to think about how I would feel if I was plopped down in an environment like that. I think I would throw some adult fits!
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